This isn't about fake. This isn't about fluff.
I am being armed with real, powerful tools to go home and create an effective, loving program, personalized for my sweet son. This program has recovered hundreds, thousands of autistic children, yes. Because our brains are moldable. Our cells are constantly moving. The body tends toward healing. And then there is the miracle of the "will to live" that is a powerful force indeed.
And at the same time, I am being taught that if I do not fear a life with autism, I have nothing to lose. If I let go of disappointment, I have nothing to lose by dreaming big.
For example: last Halloween, we went trick or treating. Ava and Ben happily ran from door to door with their friends. Andrew found a stop sign, made a beeline for it, and hung out there gazing at it for the remainder of the evening.
On that night, while I wasn't embarrassed as perhaps some might be, I was sure disappointed. What was wrong with Andrew that he couldn't "get it"? I didn't know it was autism yet, but I thought, will he never have this experience? And this whole last year I have looked back on that night with sadness and anger.
Now, I can look back at that night knowing that stop signs, street signs, are Andrews way to deal with this crazy world he has to navigate. The lines are always straight, the colors bold, the shapes familiar and always, always the same. Seeing a sign in the confusing darkness of that night, he found a way to be happy.
And now, I dont have to dread Halloween anymore. If one of us can be happy with our trick or treaters, and one can be happy watching our little street sign lover, we have no problem. Everyone wins. Everyone has a great night.
I now I have the tools to live my life as a mother of a special child. I did not come into the world equipped for this. He didn't come with an owners manual, none of our kids do. I am so thankful to those who have blazed this trail of autism before me.
And then I am being armed with tools to connect with my son. So even if, there is no recovery at the end, it's a hell of a journey anyway, and we will all be better for it.
Thank you for getting me here.
You may be asking, what about your rage against the vaccines?! You are angry! You are mad!
I don't know how I feel about this topic right now. What I do know is I have spent a large quantity of time and energy on it that is better spent elsewhere. We as parents have a duty to educate ourselves. But I cannot live with the anger I carried anymore. Not if I want to work from a platform of peace and happiness so Andrew is more attracted to my face, more able to notice my presence, and not feel negative energy emanating from my every pore.
It's time to move forward.