Yesterday, I had five new autism families come to me for help. FIVE. It's usually one or two a week. When the family comes to you, you hear their story. You relive your own. You remember the frantic helplessness. You remember the longest lasting anguish imaginable. Five times yesterday.
My purpose on this planet now is to show others the way around chronic illness, and through it if they are already there.
But it's also to stay strong enough here to keep pulling myself and my son through it, and yesterday made my well run dry. Going to have to learn to balance this if this volume of numbers continues.
Andrew is walking for a day or two after a pulsatilla dose, then stopping again. Going to talk to the doc about it Monday when I bring Ava in.
I have had high-anxiety dreams this week, they are making my heart and head race and keep me on edge all day long.
Tuesday I was in the grocery store with Benjamin, picking up things to make a meal for a new-mom friend, and in the gluten free aisles ran into a mom of autism. They dabble in gluten and dairy free, but haven't gone full force . She asked if it helped and I told her diet has been our most important intervention. She looked like she wanted to ask more. I didn't offer anything. Nothing. Since when do I stay silent? How long will it haunt me that I could have sent her to Dr Gruber or TACA and I did NOTHING? Said nothing.
Am I trying so hard to be non confrontational that I am denying my truth?
It's a balancing act. Every day I post stories about sick babies and I think: how many more oft real life friends will block me on Facebook today? So in real life with this woman, I didn't want a rejection? Why does my pride even get to be a factor in the quest to save babies? So unlike me.
But it's cost me. I feel uncomfortable around most humans now: they know what I think, the articles I post, my thoughts on this blog. And it's all out there because it's such an important story to tell: autism is treatable and preventable. We are proving it. But at a cost. I can say I don't care what you think of me, but in truth, when you turn around and get your child the flu shot after the year of work I have done, it feels like a blatant rejection of me and my truth.
My feelings shouldn't matter in this. It's okay when friends agree to disagree. But this, children's health, is my purpose, and feels like my entire life, so it is difficult to not take it personally when the humans around me , sweet friends of mine, make different choices. I am isolating myself a lot, on purpose.
And I know there are people making different choices because of my truth, and that's really all I can ask for.
Some days it just gets to me.
I have given you 81 peer reviewed, published in medical journal studies that prove the vaccination/autism connection. It's not just the heavy metals/neurotoxins. It's everything about them. They change our very DNA. I have showed you the role GMOs play in our poor health. Showed you that Tylenol causes autism and asthma. I have linked you to articles that prove beyond a shadow of doubt that herd immunity is fiction, that outbreaks are cyclical. That we create new diseases with vaccinations. That the effects of even one round of antibiotics change the body forever. I really don't know what is left to question.
Part of the problem this week is that I am tired! I am taking care of ME! And exercising six days a week, for going on 3 weeks, and have already lost 6 lbs. my body is changing and I am a little more sensitive because I am hungry, and out here exposed without my ice cream crutch to make it better at the end of the day.
My heart is, as always, thankful. We are in such a good place. It's just a strange transition time.